


together we'll get caught in the rain

by aroceu



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Angst, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Lowercase, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-31
Updated: 2012-07-31
Packaged: 2017-11-11 03:27:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/473997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aroceu/pseuds/aroceu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>underneath the surface, underneath the surface, the absence is threatening.</p>
            </blockquote>





	together we'll get caught in the rain

kyuhyun comes home at two o'clock in the afternoon. it's one of those slow days, where jongwoon feels like the only things that happen are when kyuhyun leaves and when kyuhyun comes back.

"hi," kyuhyun says, leaning over to kiss jongwoon gently on the cheek. jongwoon smiles and continues rolling the dough in his hands. "late lunch today?"

"yeah," says jongwoon.

"good," says kyuhyun. he puts his bag down at the dining table and comes into the kitchen again, which is only the little space behind the counter. he puts his arms around jongwoon and jongwoon resists every temptation to fall in, tries to continue making their lunch.

"i can join you then," says kyuhyun, and jongwoon thinks, _i wouldn't have it any other way._

-

the slow days are the ones that kyuhyun likes most, and they're the ones that jongwoon likes most because they're the shortest days, which means there's more time for them to be together. kyuhyun rewards him (and himself) and when they're done, they usually lie in bed like they don't have any other care in the world, like the only thing that matters is kyuhyun and jongwoon on their sea of pillows and blankets.

"do you remember the day we got together?" jongwoon will ask sometimes, and kyuhyun will laugh, dancing his fingers across jongwoon's chest.

"no," he'll answer honestly, and jongwoon will say, "me neither," because he doesn't.

it's a wonder, really, that they're together--jongwoon remembers meeting kyuhyun and he remembers their work together, and their work not together: somehow, one thing led to another and they're sharing this apartment in the big city of seoul, like they're working men, working people. jongwoon really thinks that they're more than this, though, that there's something meant to _be_ the way they're so natural with each other. they are nature, jongwoon thinks.

-

peaceably kyuhyun leaves for his evening hours around eight (as he does.) this isn't the same slow day, when they'd had jongwoon's special-made raisin buns for lunch; but jongwoon doesn't keep track of the days. every day is different, when he's with kyuhyun.

jongwoon whines and holds onto his hand and kyuhyun laughs as jongwoon tries to tug on the bedsheets that are still wrapped around kyuhyun's waist. "i have to go to work," he says. "your work is only on the weekends, so i have to go sometimes too."

jongwoon continues whining even though he knows this--their schedules are very, very much different so they take all the time they can have together. but jongwoon is selfish.

"stay a little bit longer?" he says. "just spooning, nothing sexual."

kyuhyun laughs, but when jongwoon tugs on the blankets a little bit more he sees kyuhyun's eyes soften and he gives in. kyuhyun climbs back into bed with him and goes behind, wraps his arms around jongwoon's torso so that jongwoon can feel his back against kyuhyun's stomach, kyuhyun's thighs brushing against the back of his own. jongwoon sighs; he'd rather be nowhere else in the world than here. kyuhyun is an ocean, swallowing him up.

"love you," he hears kyuhyun murmur in his ears, and jongwoon smiles and closes his eyes, nuzzles the back of his head against kyuhyun's face.

-

they've been living here for only several months, nothing special (it feels so much longer, though, but jongwoon doesn't know how to count his days in pure bliss.) they have most of their things unpacked, maybe a few of kyuhyun's things still in boxes and he's too lazy to take them out, and jongwoon's things aren't exactly organized and he's been planning on organizing them at some point. when that point will be, he's not quite sure yet.

the eighth time after they fuck and wake up on the living room sofa, kyuhyun wrapped all around jongwoon and sunlight streaming from the window, kyuhyun covers his eyes and says, "shit, we should probably get curtains."

they do that weekend, looking for a proper set of curtains that will fit on their large windows and are aesthetically appealing. kyuhyun wants to go for black, until jongwoon says no and then a salesperson warns him about falling into the "black trap", which kyuhyun says is ridiculous because the curtains are the only piece of furniture that they're searching for. still, they settle on a nice red patterned one, which may be the only set of curtains that both kyuhyun and jongwoon actually liked.

"you're too picky," jongwoon says to kyuhyun on the cab ride back.

"you have awful taste," kyuhyun shoots back.

jongwoon leans him and kisses him on the lips and kyuhyun responds, and neither of them care about the taxi driver glaring at them from the front.

-

on one of the faster days--a friday, one of the few work days that jongwoon actually has _work_ , he comes home to kyuhyun sitting at the dining table and looking at his hands, tapping the table. jongwoon discards his jacket on the counter and says, "kyuhyun?"

kyuhyun looks up at him. jongwoon can't read the expression in his eyes. "hi, jongwoon," kyuhyun says. he'd stopped calling him hyung ages ago.

"is there something wrong?" jongwoon wants to hug him but doesn't think it's in his place. kyuhyun doesn't like being given hugs unprecedented.

"no," says kyuhyun, sighs, and then, "i need to transfer for work."

"what? where?" jongwoon thinks, it'll be all right. i can move with him, if he wants me to.

"china," says kyuhyun, and jongwoon's face falls because it's another world away. and then: "i can speak some chinese."

 _but i can't_ , jongwoon thinks.

"so?" he says. "that's okay, i can--can wait for you here."

"yeah," says kyuhyun. "okay."

-

after that, they pretend that the conversation had never happened--continue with their slow days, fast days. jongwoon helps out at the record company he works at and pretends that his partner for several years isn't moving. after super junior, jongwoon had retired from the singing as to not strain his voice but continued working in the field. kyuhyun had always been a more passionate singer, he thinks--jongwoon's passionate, but not as much into singing. that's why kyuhyun's a solo artist, and he isn't.

jongwoon remembers that kyuhyun used to be a part of super junior m, used to travel there and perform there and stay there for months on end. oh, jongwoon realizes, it's probably just a second home to him. and his heart sinks, because jongwoon thought that he'd be the only one.

"we're so old now," kyuhyun says one day when jongwoon is making dinner. "pushing on forty."

"we are old," jongwoon agrees. he pretends he doesn't see the loving glow in kyuhyun's eye; he'd be lying that if he said that he's thought of anything else other than kyuhyun moving after kyuhyun had told him.

kyuhyun doesn't get up, doesn't move or do anything but jongwoon can feel his gaze caress his skin and it makes jongwoon push back things he wants to forget from his eyes. "who thought it'd end up like this?" he says. and then, "do you remember the day we met up again?"

he sounds like jongwoon when jongwoon asks about the day they got together (which jongwoon still can't remember). perhaps they'd been the same day. "no," jongwoon says, because super junior had broken up and then they--not super junior--had gotten back together again and everything just felt so right. life confuses jongwoon, sometimes.

"ryeowook was there," says kyuhyun, and jongwoon realizes that he's wrong, that kyuhyun's not like him.

-

that night, after dinner and a nice shower, kyuhyun eats him out and then fucks him on his stomach, hard on the mattress. jongwoon twists and tangles his legs with kyuhyun's, cries out like a teenage girl, burying his fingers deep into kyuhyun's hair.

they finish as a tangled mess of sweat and limbs, jongwoon's arms tightly hugging kyuhyun's left thigh. he can still feel kyuhyun's come leaking out from inside him, which is not exactly pleasant. "kyuhyun," he says, guiding kyuhyun's hand back toward his ass. "do you think you could--"

kyuhyun licks him clean while jongwoon sucks kyuhyun's cock and they do it again. jongwoon feels like kyuhyun's putting a little more feeling into it tonight, by the way he holds jongwoon as jongwoon sinks down on him, by the way kyuhyun nips on his earlobes and says, " _i love you_ ," by the way kyuhyun holds back until he comes and jongwoon doesn't know very much else in the world, other than the warmth that he and kyuhyun are sharing, and that he feels like more than one person in that moment.

it feels like the last time that this will happen.

-

two days later, jongwoon comes home and kyuhyun is sitting on the couch in the living room with a small suitcase next to him.

"i'm leaving today," he tells jongwoon.

"oh," says jongwoon.

"i won't be gone forever. i only packed my necessities," says kyuhyun, and jongwoon tries to think of what necessities are. _clothes, toothbrush, toothpaste…_ he thinks that kyuhyun should pack him, as well.

"okay," says jongwoon.

kyuhyun bites his lip. jongwoon watches him.

"come to the airport with me?" says kyuhyun.

jongwoon does, and the taxi ride is quiet, a bit awkward. they don't say much, other than plain questions like what kyuhyun is going to do in china, how long he's staying there. kyuhyun talks about china like it's a vacation, that he'll come back; but jongwoon feels like kyuhyun is moving, moving away from him.

when they're before security, where they must part ways, kyuhyun turns around. jongwoon stares at him.

"also," says kyuhyun. "i think we should break up."

jongwoon blinks at him.

"why?"

"it's too much…" kyuhyun turns away. "it's pressure. i don't want to hold you back." jongwoon thinks that kyuhyun should say, _i don't want to be held back_ but something about the way kyuhyun talks makes him think that kyuhyun is thinking about jongwoon, instead.

"kyuhyun," jongwoon starts, but kyuhyun looks him in the eye.

"just have a life without me, jongwoon," he says.

when kyuhyun's plane leaves ten minutes later, jongwoon is still standing there, trying to figure kyuhyun's words out.

-

it's a bit lonely at first. jongwoon has to get used to sleeping in an empty bed, waking up in a cold room, coming home to a quiet apartment. sometimes he expects kyuhyun to walk through the doorway at any moment, but knows it doesn't happen.

he still keeps up with kyuhyun's happenings via the internet, but it feels like kyuhyun is a celebrity again, whereas jongwoon's a fan who'll never meet him. which is a ridiculous notion, of course, but jongwoon still has the feeling. he closes his laptop and sighs, thinks that he should get on with his life. his world does not orbit around kyuhyun, because kyuhyun is just a man. jongwoon is just a man, too, but when he's by himself, he feels more than a man.

every day feels like a fast day now. sometimes jongwoon will wonder what the slow days felt like.

-

he and kyuhyun still keep in touch, actually, but it's not the same. kyuhyun still sounds so distant, and jongwoon clutches onto his mobile phone like he doesn't want to let it go away. he knows kyuhyun will come back because he still sees some of kyuhyun's clothes in his closet, still has his books and cds and other less necessary items.

they don't end their phone calls with, "i love you," anymore, because they're not together anymore.

so the conversations feel a bit stilted and awkward. after the first month, kyuhyun calls and jongwoon almost breathes a sigh of relief at the sound of his voice.

"how's china?" he asks, trying to sound okay.

"it's all right." kyuhyun sounds like they're still together. jongwoon hopes he sounds like that too, even though it feels like there's a small hole at the bottom of his heart.

"um, kyuhyun," says jongwoon, playing with the couch pillow in his lap. he's in the living room, staring at the drapes that he and kyuhyun bought forever ago. at least, it feels like forever ago. "why aren't we together anymore?"

"because. don't you remember what i said?" says kyuhyun. "i'll feel like i'm--i'm some sort of weight, holding you back from living. don't feel free to live, jongwoon." his voice is gentle, sincere.

"i'm not," says jongwoon. "i just--love you."

it's out there in the open. the other end is silent. jongwoon doesn't even hear kyuhyun breathing.

he feels something sharp stab him in the chest, and uses his left hand to support his right, which has somehow started shaking.

"fine then," he says. "i guess--you don't love me anymore then."

"that's not how it is, jongwoon."

kyuhyun's voice still sounds gentle and jongwoon wants to hit it.

"no," says jongwoon. "fuck you, i guess--i guess this never meant anything to you, did it. we never meant anything to you."

he knows it's stupid to hang up on him, stupid to be mad at him. but he suddenly feels an inexplicable pain, and buries his head in the pillow, letting it soak his tears up. he knows he's probably wrong about them never meaning anything to kyuhyun, but his worst fear is that he's actually right.

-

kyuhyun doesn't call him again--or, if he does, jongwoon's phone was off. jongwoon keeps his phone off most of the time after that, only leaving it on for short periods of time when he expects calls for work.

it's actually a bit ridiculous, because after this, jongwoon remembers when he'd ask kyuhyun how they'd gotten together. but people have the tendency to remember beginnings when they witness ends, don't they?

they'd gotten together five years and three weeks ago, exactly, several days after a super junior reunion. kyuhyun had been a bit drunk and admitted that he was bisexual; jongwoon had been completely sober and admitted that he'd had crushes on kyuhyun for a bit during super junior.

that night, kyuhyun discovered that he could love jongwoon, and jongwoon discovered that he could love kyuhyun again.

jongwoon remembers it now, because it feels like the end. he doesn't think it's the end, because he still has a life--still has a job, still has friends, still keeps in touch with his family. there are worse things than kyuhyun breaking up with him. there are worse things than kyuhyun thinking of their relationship as nothing but a little fling, like they're sex friends, like there's nothing serious. there are worse things than feeling one too many kinds of love for kyuhyun.

-

jongwoon sticks the new label on them as "friends", even though he still doesn't hear kyuhyun's calls, even though he still never checks his phone messages. he checks kyuhyun's fan boards and news though, monotonously, not really feeling like he's caring.

after two months, he starts dating. which is a loose word for going out and finding girls to take home and fuck. it's nice and all; but sadly jongwoon prefers it when it's he's alone with his hand and pretending he's not thinking of kyuhyun.

-

one of the girls has nice legs and when she sucks on jongwoon's dick, jongwoon tries, tries not to moan kyuhyun's name.

later, when she leaves, he takes a shower and fingers himself and moan's kyuhyun's name as he comes.

he tries to forget about it when he steps out. he dries himself off and dresses, stares at the bed that used to be more than his. he remembers that this apartment isn't just his, though, because when the bills come he pays the same as he used to, and when he walks around he still sees the little things that are kyuhyun's.

he supposes that, when kyuhyun comes back, kyuhyun will take his stuff and leave for good. jongwoon doesn't know if this will happen, doesn't know if this is the plan. but he throws down the electricity bill and pretends that yes, this is his future; that yes, some day he will be alone.

-

jongwoon remembers how they did meet again, actually. now that he thinks about it. he stares at the curtains and has the sudden urge to smoke; he'd picked it up shortly after super junior disbanded, and stopped shortly after their reunion.

they'd met up again at their reunion. as expected, none of them had seen each other since the disbandment--maybe keeping some contact, perhaps, but only through phone and the internet. they were delighted to see each other, and jongwoon and kyuhyun were nothing friends back then.

it took them only a week to get together, though, after the confessions and "i don't have a girlfriend"s and stupid, awkward, "let's be together because it's convenient for the both of us." mind, after that they'd lasted for a good several years, just being together for the most part and then living together.

jongwoon wants to think all of it was a happy time. he and kyuhyun were happy. it had ended, but they were happy.

-

they'd gotten together five years and seven weeks ago.

they'd told the other super junior members three years, eight months, and two days ago.

they stopped talking to anyone else from super junior three years, eight months, and one day ago.

jongwoon wants to think that it's not a big deal--that, okay, yeah. they don't have the approval of the eleven best friends they had for the better part of their life. but jongwoon is a sentimental kind of man, and it did mean a lot to him. does.

he remembers siwon saying, "i'm not okay with this," and leaving.

he remembers sungmin saying, spitefully, "you guys are a couple of _fags_?" and hyukjae saying, "how could you? really?"

"why should you guys--" he remembers kyuhyun protesting. "aren't you happy for us?"

"why would we be happy for you?" hyukjae had said. "this isn't right. you're not supposed to love each other. men aren't supposed to be together."

"it's not socially acceptable," donghae said.

"fuck socially acceptable!" kyuhyun said. "it's--i thought you guys would be okay with it, considering--"

"considering _what_ , kyuhyun? that this was the sort of thing we'd been pushing for when we were together?" said ryeowook. "but this is the real world, and you and jongwoon hyung--that just can't happen."

"it _did_ happen. it _is_ happening," kyuhyun said, cried. 

jongwoon can't remember why he couldn't say anything.

"you guys are in your own gay little world, thinking that it's okay when in reality it's not," said donghae. "it's disgusting."

that was the last time they'd heard anything of super junior.

-

no calls, no messages, no notes. 

jongwoon thinks that he and kyuhyun, _they_ must have meant something to kyuhyun. he hopes, with his thoughts to the past.

but why, why aren't they together anymore?

on a rainy day, he picks up his phone and calls, blindly. kyuhyun answers on the first ring.

"do you miss super junior?" is the first thing that jongwoon says; he can barely hear his own voice over the pounding of the rainfall. the curtains are open; he can see the soaked, grey city.

he hears kyuhyun choke back sobs on the other end.

"h-hankyung hyung won't even talk to me," says kyuhyun. 

jongwoon stares at the raindrops, heavy against the window.

"neither will zhou mi," kyuhyun whispers.

jongwoon remembers when kyuhyun had told him that he and zhou mi had experimented, a little, back when super junior m was still together and before they'd disbanded shortly before super junior did. it had only lasted a night and zhou mi had told him he hated it in the morning.

"i don't know what's wrong with us," kyuhyun murmurs.

his voice is fuzzy. jongwoon doesn't check the signal on his phone, even though he feels like they're losing signal.

"please come back," he says to kyuhyun. "it's okay. i just want you to come back."

"it's been three months, jongwoon," says kyuhyun.

"i want you to come back," jongwoon repeats.

"give me more time," says kyuhyun.

-

jongwoon does. he gives and gives and gives. kyuhyun calls him, every now and then, but jongwoon can't bring it in himself to call kyuhyun again. he knows that if he does, it'll just be him begging kyuhyun to come back.

he calls heechul hyung one day, instead.

"you're alive?" says heechul's voice. it sounds the same. a bit more familial.

"do you still hate me?" jongwoon says into the phone. his fingers clutch at the edge of his cellphone.

"are you still a fag?" says heechul, and jongwoon flinches.

"i'm not quite--sure," he says. "i've been with a lot of girls lately, but--"

heechul's laugh sounds too sharp. "how's kyuhyun?" he asks, and jongwoon knows that heechul's pretty much asking the same question.

"he's okay," he answers honestly. at least, he wants kyuhyun to be okay.

"have fun with your life together," says heechul, and then he hangs up.

-

the next time kyuhyun calls is two weeks later. jongwoon is aching without him.

"i called heechul hyung the other day," he says. "he still hates us, too."

"i wonder if," starts kyuhyun, and then he stops. jongwoon presses his ear against it, waiting for every moment when kyuhyun will listen to him, and when he will listen to kyuhyun.

"do you still love me?" kyuhyun asks.

it sounds casual, the sort of thing you'd ask a friend if he still had a book that you wanted to borrow. jongwoon swallows. "yes," he replies, and also adds, "i've been checking your fan boards every day, you know."

kyuhyun laughs, and even if it sounds forced, jongwoon is glad to hear it. "i still don't know what we should do about this," he says. "if--"

jongwoon knows that kyuhyun broke up with him because he didn't want to think it was right. jongwoon wants to cry and push kyuhyun up against a wall and kiss the living daylights to of him.

"i just want you to come home," he says. "i don't--care what we are anymore, just, please. i want you here."

-

jongwoon stops sleeping with girls on the day of kyuhyun's flight home. it's raining and grey again, makes jongwoon think of peace and sadness. he doesn't wait for kyuhyun in the airport because that's too intimate, but stays outside under his umbrella, shivering and waiting for kyuhyun to look for him. perhaps, he hopes, kyuhyun had missed him too.

"i fucked around while you were gone," says jongwoon when kyuhyun walks up to him. it's the first thing to be said.

kyuhyun's lip curves, a little. "anything serious?"

jongwoon shakes his head. "i just didn't want to be alone."

kyuhyun sighs. "i tried dating, getting a girlfriend. it didn't work out too well."

jongwoon nods. even though he's probably slept with more girls than kyuhyun over that period of time, they both know that what kyuhyun did is much more despicable.

"i hate this," says jongwoon. "they'll never talk to us again and you did all you could to try. we'll be stuck like this forever."

under his umbrella, a few tears leak out from under his eyes. he doesn't know why. perhaps it's just the sentimental part of him, and he hates it. he stuffs himself up into his jacket more, shakes his black bangs in front of his eyes.

he sees kyuhyun take a step toward him under his umbrella.

"i'm not complaining," says kyuhyun.

"how could you not?" cries jongwoon. "they're our best friends! our _best friends_!"

kyuhyun is crying too. but he faces jongwoon with his face upward, while jongwoon feels like he's standing here while his body is breaking.

"i hate it," he says, and steps forward once more and kisses jongwoon on the mouth.

jongwoon kisses back, wraps his arms around kyuhyun's neck. they're two men, and there really is nothing natural, nothing right, nothing good about them.

but they'll let themselves stay addicted to this sin a little longer.


End file.
